You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just googled if crying burns calories
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
50% drunk capacity currently
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
