why didn't you poke me back
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
