he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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