that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize