I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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