WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
