So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
