just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm too high and old for this...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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