i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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