There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
sex in a hospital.. check
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
