just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
