I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
