The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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