your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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