I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
