I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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