Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
