I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My pussy is not your playground.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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