So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
