im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
