I wannas sexs uuuuu
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
