Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
