everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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