Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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