Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
