dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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