I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
