if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
