the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
