R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
