I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
