there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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