3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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