how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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