i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
