It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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