I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This baby is an asshole
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
