I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My ATM looks so different sober.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
