then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
