I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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