i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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