Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
