She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
