My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
