My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I am naked and annoyed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
