I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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