My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I'm really busy with my period
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