The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
