Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
