she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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