I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
