So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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