i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
