gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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