sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
