3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
