someone threw a dead crab at me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
